Thursday, May 07, 2009

The Ultimate Fear

As "Dude's where's my Car?" went into overdrive and the climax was beginning, suddenly I saw flashes of a dark shadow creeping near the curtains to my left. I always knew that I was inherently strong at perceiving things (not ectoplasm things, but real things). I turned and look to see what it was, however there was nothing there.

In fact, I considered it a trick of the light since we had dim lights on and the TV was bright by itself. Then suddenly the boy says "what's that on the aircond?". Which incidentally was right above the curtains I just saw.

Curious, as I always was and still am. I decided to check it out. I stood up, tip toe too but couldn't see a thing. "Its looks like something huge," he said. Well, at that point, curiosity really got to me. I mean since it was huge, its got to be something quite significant if I saw a shadow and he saw a shadow too.

I stood on the chair and took a gander at it, from a distance. At first, gut feeling told me its a beetle, yup we still do find those giant beetles flying in from time to time. But suddenly! I saw two twitching antennas.

"OMG! Its a cockroach!!!!"

I squealed and "Eeeee" all the way to my room as I hurriedly ran to close the room.

Heart pounding, perspiration increasing, I felt a cold clammy feeling layer over me. Like a thin layer of sugar icing over an angel cake. I considered and couldn't imagine less about the boy, running for the insecticide and spraying it frantically.

I called out behind doors, "Is it dead yet?"

But there was no reply. The battle must still be raging on. I opened the door and peeked out, fearing that the fleeing roach would sneak an attack and fly by the small opening I made and infesting my room with its disgusting odour and retched feeling.

Calmness. Nothing was happening but the occasional "Sprrrrrrrr" as the boy spray it constantly with toxic fumes, but little does he know that insecticide doesn't work on giant roaches that can fly. It only works on the smaller ones.

It had already flew to the kitchen and the boy was randomly spraying at it, without event fearing that he might contaminate whatever food was lieing around the kitchen. Suddenly! It vanished! Just like the way it came. Now it was gone.

It must have scurried to a hole, wherever the hole was and would infest that hole as its new nest. Probably laying its awful eggs for the next generation to haunt me. Now I fear to leave the safety of my room, my castle. I knew it, now I will need to live in fear. I won't get a decent night's sleep knowing that it is still out there.

Somewhere. Should I be in any part of my house, I know that it would fly down and latch itself to me. Thinking about it just gives me goosebumps. This is worse than any Stephen King book. The nightmares that I will have to endure. Endless. Seemingly endless!

And now I regret that I didn't whacked it with the newspaper...

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

My Future Pets


Well, staying in an apartment does have its down, but it does have its ups too! Thanks to my dearest friend, Giant Boobies Girl, who gave me a binoculars, I have been unintentionally spying into my neighbors houses. And guess what I saw!!!! Someone wanking off at the window! That's totally unexpected and definitely something to ogle at!

But enough about that, what I really like to have is just two little doggies. In fact I'll call them after two of my bestest friends: Alice and Jamie. Yupp! That's right! I named them after them for other obvious reasons, that they are my bitches and the fact that I can hook them up to a sleigh and call out loudly;

"MUSH ALICE! MUSH JAMIE!"

I'm so evil at times I don't really know what to say to myself! I'll get myself two Siberian Huskies! Cause they are so cute! And they typically have different coloured eyes too, for what ever the reason.

They are the most loving animals in the world! But it does bring me to wonder, would they be able to stand such a hot weather? Well just like me, we might just migrate to another country then! Or live forever in an air conditioned room!

Yes, call me putera lilin. But it's all for my little doggies!

Sigh... I can't wait to get a landed property so that I can play with my dogs...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Halal My Ass


Dinner at Sri Ayutthaya! I haven't really been there, I'm such a Sri Ayutthaya virgin!! Finally the opportunity came for me to dine first class at this uppity place for free!!! One of my short term dreams could not come true til now.

Until, suddenly my manager came up to me and said, "We have to change location as apparently this place is not halal certified and you're colleauge Dozie Doe can't eat there. Can you please find another location with a halal cert?"

In my head, pounding against my fragile brain, the dream shatters!!! "NOOOOOOOoooooo" I'll forever remain a Sri Ayutthaya Virgin!! Curses on her halal business.

As I set off trying to find another Thai Restaurant, Kinnaree came to my mind and I called them up to see if they are certified with a halal cert. And good news to my ears! It is!!!! Hoozah! I quickly confirmed with my manager and asked Dozie Doe if she could dine there as there is a cert.

She immediately called up to JAKIM to check and found out that they didn't have any certs. Later we find out that they have been certified by Islamic Food Research Centre and I had to call them up to check. Thank fully it is certified and she was happy she could dine there.

So being a good patron I decided that I had to call to Sri Ayutthaya and inform those poor sops that I had to cancel my reservation as they didn't have any halal certificate. My conversation ensues as below:

Waitress: Thank you for calling Sri Ayutthaya. How can I help you?
Jase: Hi I have a reservation for later at 7pm.
W: May I know why sir?
J: Because you're not halal certified.
W: OH NO SIR! We are certified, we have a JAKIM cert here and also a Islamic Omaha cert to certify that our beef, lamb, chicken and fish are all halal.
J: Oh really?

I immediately inform Dozie Doe that she was wrong and that they had a freaking halal certification! But apparently JAKIM, which she checked earlier, says that they did not certify it. In fact their website has nothing but "Golden Arches", "Ayamas", "KFC", Starbucks and Coffeebean on their freaking halal site!!!

I immediately call up to JAKIM to screw them for causing me to remain a Sri Ayutthaya Virgin!!! But no one answered my call!! They knew I must be calling the screw them upside down in the best malay possible and a mixture of English too!

As I look at my clock... oh no wonder no one answers.. it was already 4.30pm. Gahmen Office close already!!!

Wahhhhhh... not only am I deprived of my Sri Ayutthaya but I couldn't release my anger at the JAKIM people.. THEY ARE SO GOING TO FUCKED BY ME TOMORROW MORNING FIRST THING AT 10AM WHEN THEY REPORT TO WORK!!!

Muah hahahhahahahaha...

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Karma the Evil

Well, I've hit rock bottom. Or rather someone else has hit rock bottom after getting screwed by me. We can't deny that the corporate world is a nasty place and its hard to be not nasty. Like two faring baboons baring their teeth at each other, I gave my service provider a nasty festering bite.

Not only did they have an incompetent Recruitment Consultant who kept on making simple mistakes, but she was over charging my company too! The nerve!!! So after going through all the right channels, reviewing the legal documents and double checking on all the necessary, I wrote one hell of a long nasty email and sent it to not only that particular Recruitment Consultant but also to her Country Manager. Not only was I awarded with a quick reply but I soon got what I wanted, refunds even from up to October 2008!!!!

An achievement for me! Now I can go a put a golden star sticker in my book of achievements!

Now the best part is when I deemed that none of the problems were a cause from my company and forcibly blamed it all on the agency. I implied to them that not only was I thoroughly dissatisfied and angry, I demanded them to give me a freaking discount while I held their invoices back for payment!

And the response I got was akin to Credit Notes to use against their next invoices and also the removal of the Recruitment Consultant from servicing us in the next 2 weeks. We will have a new consultant to service us beginning on the 15th of April! She got the pink slip and real quick too!

What luck!?!??!?!

Not only did I get my demands across, I got some discounts and also made the idiotic imbecilic Recruitment Consultant jobless! One more person back into the jobless category!

Yay! Two golden stars in my book of achievements!

I feel so.. so... Cruella De Vil!

But now what I'm concerned is Karma.. ahh.. hell with karma! I feel good!

Monday, April 06, 2009

The Act of My Life

As I turn older I have come to realize that its inevitable. Although mother and father might have it their way and pretend that all this is right and continue to live in a world filled with optimism, I have to beg to differ.

However being parents, they are like a mountain and difficult to budge. Unless I'm a giant tectonic plate crashing into them. So I must devise a plan to counter this subterfuge and deluge of questions. Torrential as they may seem, I must be like a beaver and build his dam and god damn too.

I have ungenuinely conceived an idea so lascivious which I would probably just drop off even before it begins; I plan to direct a play. Of course a play of my life in which I would have a cast of people to continuously bring about a devilish lie that would only continue until my death bed; kinda sounds like "The Bold and The Beautiful".

I shall need to advertise for casting so that I can select my most industrious actors and actress.

Role: Antoinette Lee the young and ambitious girl who sets herself above all others as she is beautiful and practically a genius in the making.
Project: "The Potentials". A living theater of fruitiness lifestyle of the young and in love in which we fool my parents into thinking that I am in a wonderful relationship.
Director: Jason Ho - An elusive visionary voyeur with a knack for making movies on his mobile camera.
Pay: Tentatively in the process of indecision.
Seeking: Female, 20 to 23, smart, quick witted and intelligent, boobies are a good addition, bisexually curious.
Skills: A listener, sensibly dressed, able to tolerate intense questioning or mental torture, capable of consuming alcohol and willing to do anything for a scene.
Notes: May require intense crying and shouting for dramatization, however drama queen actress are not required. A lot of emotions in almost every scene. Squinty eyes are not a preference, big eyes would be good, but not too scary.

Additionally I may also be requiring additional cast in my little play:

Role: Marcus Tan, a supposed pool boy cum slave in a home without a pool and also an educator in things for a young man like me.
Project:
"The Potentials". A living theater of fruitiness lifestyle of the young and in love in which we fool my parents into thinking that I am in a wonderful relationship.

Director:
Jason Ho - A productive videographer of many short unproduced films such as "A snip it of the Closet" and "Willingly Humped in the Back".

Pay:
Depending on endowment.

Seeking:
Male, 23 to 27, lightly buffed and tanned, six packs are required, strong big burly arms meant for sleeping on, 7 inches or more, hungry and passionate.

Skills:
Great and new moves in bed, great to spoon with, great cook, unnecessarily intelligent and will do anything for a "GREAT" scene.

Notes:
May require a lot of nudity and I mean a lot!


Now... where shall I post my Cast Call..